Sometimes explaining life is complicated and utterly hard. It could be the undeniable worry that they may not understand, after all they aren’t you. They haven’t been through what you’ve been through. Or it’s simply just because what you’ve been through is too much for you to even pick a place to start. How should one explain the absence of a father and a disconnect with a mother? A hard ship with oneself? A life of pain and hurt? Surfacing above the water only to have another wave collapse upon you. you try to break free, you try to understand the unique ways of the world and what your life means. You try to see beauty but are surrounded by darkness. A tired feeling to course through your entire soul. How should one awaken when it’s ones soul and mind that is exhausted? Sometimes giving up sounds like an easy option but you know you can’t do that.
“If you kill yourself I’ll never forgive you.”
“I need you.”
“I care about you.”
“Suicide is a cowardly way to go.”
“I love you.”
They say this all the time so you know you can’t die. But the pain inside your chest cannot be suppressed anymore. And how do you release it when it’s all too much for them.
Why can you not feel mad at them, for not realizing the agony you cease to be in? How can you not curse them for not seeing the pain running deep inside your eyes?
They only know some of it.
You want to tell them all of it.
But explaining what the pain is like, is unbearable and overwhelming.
You want to scream at the universe.
“WHY!”
You would scream with tears streaming out of your eyes.
“WHY? How do I feel? How do I feel alive?”
Life is a nightmare and life is a dream. You’re stuck in both. They flash upon your eyes, flicker, flicker.
Would they leave you if you yelled at them for not understanding, when it is you whom will not explain?
You dream of perfection. Your idea of perfection.
Family is blood and home.
Friends are readers of your mind.
But this is not perfection.
This is reality. And reality fails to concede. To your preferred dreams.
Maybe You have become numb to feeling. Your eyes brim with water but they never fall. You smile with friends but think of the reasons of why you’re not good enough. And when will they leave you?
You lose yourself in book after book, because it is only there where life is pleasant, because it is not your own.
You could be in denial. Or maybe you’re insane. Because after all the drowning you smile through the pain, and face it head on. You walk into it calmly, and fight it with your all.
Sometimes life is too much to explain. But there is always a space and there is always a soul. To take you in as all you are and then even when you’re not all whole. To tell you that things, will be alright.
There, you can run free.
“There’s always a glimmer in those who have been through the dark.”
Atticus
-AblogginPerson
My lil Life (through the years) 