Will they stay or, will they go? Is there a way to tell if it’s coming to an end?
It could be all in my head but my gut is telling me that it is in fact not in my head….
My friend Amelie and I have been friends for a really long time. I believe it’s been around 6 years since we first met and created one of my favourite friendships of all times.
Maybe I am misreading things but it feels as though our friendship is coming close to it’s devastating end. With less and less conversations and weeks between hangouts, it’s as if we have come to a stop. We both have different dreams and different friends entirely and I respect that but at the same time, it’s KILLING ME! (*puts hand to forehead and faints.)
I know, I know. This is a good thing. And trust me I am extremely happy that they seem to be happy! And I mean who wouldn’t want to be friends with them since they are freaking INCREDIBLE!
Update……..
It has been maybe 4 years since I wrote this and sadly about 2 months ago I wrote a 12 page letter and sent it off to Amelie, ending a decade of friendship. 😦
Amelie. – friend ( must be anoymous for obvious resons )
Denial: It’s a thing we do when we don’t want to admit something to ourselves.
I am in denial.
Since I was young I’ve felt hurt. Misunderstood too. Terrified to admit it. Terrified to be vulnerable only to be told that what I feel is invalid by someone who I thought would want to understand.
Questions that go unanswered because the other person can’t handle answering them. But my mind goes into a never ending cycle. It imagines and creates stories, because my questions went unanswered.
To search for a missing void but not being able to ever find it. It’s missing forever.
Being jealous of others because they have what you don’t. You watch them have something you crave.
The truth is that I’m hurting. The undeniable truth is that I am scared.
I long for acceptance and I long for that void in me to be filled.
But, that void won’t be filled, at least never completely filled. Because they’re gone and they aren’t coming back. And those answers you long for will never be answered.
Sometimes you answer truthfully but other times there are no words to say what you truly want to say.
In the beginning You were searching for something You didn’t know about yet.
You were making friends, and meeting others trying to find happiness, but some left you so now you search with caution. Because sometimes you find things you cannot keep.
In the end You were lost. Lost in a world, in a town, in a home, in a friendship, You didn’t belong in any longer.
It started slowly but infected you quickly. you became a stranger to your surroundings. Noticing that what you used to think was your forevers were now dead ends. Your home became a place you felt trapped in. Your hometown was too small and too big. You never quite fit in. Your friends too good to be true but yet you started to slowly wonder if they too would eventually leave. A stranger, a outsider.
Sometimes explaining life is complicated and utterly hard. It could be the undeniable worry that they may not understand, after all they aren’t you. They haven’t been through what you’ve been through. Or it’s simply just because what you’ve been through is too much for you to even pick a place to start. How should one explain the absence of a father and a disconnect with a mother? A hard ship with oneself? A life of pain and hurt? Surfacing above the water only to have another wave collapse upon you. you try to break free, you try to understand the unique ways of the world and what your life means. You try to see beauty but are surrounded by darkness. A tired feeling to course through your entire soul. How should one awaken when it’s ones soul and mind that is exhausted? Sometimes giving up sounds like an easy option but you know you can’t do that.
“If you kill yourself I’ll never forgive you.”
“I need you.”
“I care about you.”
“Suicide is a cowardly way to go.”
“I love you.”
They say this all the time so you know you can’t die. But the pain inside your chest cannot be suppressed anymore. And how do you release it when it’s all too much for them.
Why can you not feel mad at them, for not realizing the agony you cease to be in? How can you not curse them for not seeing the pain running deep inside your eyes?
They only know some of it.
You want to tell them all of it.
But explaining what the pain is like, is unbearable and overwhelming.
You want to scream at the universe.
“WHY!”
You would scream with tears streaming out of your eyes.
“WHY? How do I feel? How do I feel alive?”
Life is a nightmare and life is a dream. You’re stuck in both. They flash upon your eyes, flicker, flicker.
Would they leave you if you yelled at them for not understanding, when it is you whom will not explain?
You dream of perfection. Your idea of perfection.
Family is blood and home.
Friends are readers of your mind.
But this is not perfection.
This is reality. And reality fails to concede. To your preferred dreams.
Maybe You have become numb to feeling. Your eyes brim with water but they never fall. You smile with friends but think of the reasons of why you’re not good enough. And when will they leave you?
You lose yourself in book after book, because it is only there where life is pleasant, because it is not your own.
You could be in denial. Or maybe you’re insane. Because after all the drowning you smile through the pain, and face it head on. You walk into it calmly, and fight it with your all.
Sometimes life is too much to explain. But there is always a space and there is always a soul. To take you in as all you are and then even when you’re not all whole. To tell you that things, will be alright.
There, you can run free.
“There’s always a glimmer in those who have been through the dark.”
Thank you to my lovely English teacher whom has inspired this post by giving me a “choice” essay to write.
First off, I like writing. But apparently I don’t like writing for English class. Now I know this doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, but hear me out. When you are forced to write something you automatically get writers block. It’s the same thing as going to do the dishes and then having your parents tell you to “go do the dishes (Y/N)!” On your way to actually do them. All of your cleaning jazz gone, within five seconds of hearing the first part of the sentence. Now is it all coming together? Writers block, cleaning block, (problem) jazz block. Same things. So when I was asked to write this essay I had no idea where to start. My mind drew blanks. It was like I had thought amnesia. Really, I had no thoughts no ideas. It was terrible! I just sat at my computer staring at the stupid blank page with the cursor blinking back at me as if it was mocking me. And suddenly I was avoiding the essay as you would the bubonic plague.
How did I avoid it you may ask? Simple!
Reading and reading and reading. Inserting myself into books 3hours at a time. I also slept a lot and side stepped English class, skipping the class all together. This was not an effective tactic plan. (Do people even say “tactic plan”?) Now my teacher person would shoot me if they heard me admit this aloud but, grant me mercy because I am currently working on the issue.
I may suck at explaining things but that will not stop me from trying!
I have currently been reading lots of thrillers and mysteries. I feel like that rush of adrenaline you get while trying to figure out the mystery is fantamazing (yes this is not a word.) it has me coming back for more and more and I think I’ve about run out of books to read in this genre so if you have any that is not on this list comment!!!!
Let’s see shall we?
Karen M McManus’s One Of Us Is Lying was an absolute treasure. There was so much to love about this book! It really is worth the hype.
My lil Life (through the years) 